This is why I don't like going to the doctor...

I hate going to the doctor.
Really hate it!

In fact, the only times I go to see a doctor seem to be to have a baby (that's been a while!), to take the kids for check-ups (also not as often since they have gotten older), or to the emergency room (for various injuries - sprained ankle, gash in the back of my head from a rollerblading accident, a bad case of mono, etc.). However, last month I decided that the time had come to visit an OBGYN regarding "family planning".

(Code for: "We are definitely not having any more kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
Note: Exclamation points for emphasis and to make my friend, Tracey, laugh.

Anyway, during my exam the doctor had me look at the floor and swallow while he felt my neck. I honestly have never had a doctor examine my neck before (except when I had mono right after high school). I wasn't sure why he was so intent on checking out my throat, but I dutifully swallowed, and swallowed, and swallowed again until I really had no spit left in my mouth. Then he asked me to swallow some more. (In hindsight, I think it would have been a good idea for him to offer me a glass of water so that I had something to actually swallow once my supply of saliva ran dry.)

As it turns out, he was pretty concerned because he detected a rather large lump on my left thyroid. He calmly explained that it might not be anything to worry about, but he thought I should have it checked out. I laughed and told him, "This is why I don't go to the doctor!" He smiled and replied, "No, Kim. This is why you DO go to the doctor." Grrrrrrr. And I guess that he didn't trust me to make an appointment on my own, because he had the nurse draw my blood right then and there to determine if my thyroid was functioning normally. Then he sent a copy of his notes to my regular doctor who I hadn't seen for well over a year. Then he told me that he expected me to call him to let him know the results.

Okay. Yeah. Like I was in a hurry to make those calls.

And so I proceeded to go about my life as usual, although I admit that I thought about calling my doctor. And I even wrote it on a few lists of things I should do. But it actually wasn't until almost two weeks later that I actually made an appointment to see my doctor. See, I'm a good girl. My OBGYN had nothing to worry about, right? (Okay, the truth is that he had called my doctor to see if I had made an appointment to see her. Since I hadn't, she had her office call me on my cell phone to be sure I scheduled one as soon as possible!)

Two days later, I am sitting in my doctor's office talking to the fabulously funny nurse practitioner about the purpose of my thyroid and the various tests that needed to be run on the mysterious lump in my neck. She said that some doctors like to just go right ahead and order a fine needle aspiration (Explanation: A long, skinny needle is stuck into the lump in my neck so that cells can be removed to do a biopsy.) Um, yeah. What are my other options, Doc? Instead we could start with a thyroid ultrasound. Sounds much less painful and I've had ultrasounds before. I'll take option B please!

The ultrasound went smoothly. The nurse who did the ultrasound didn't make any comments, and I was told that I would have the results by the time I met with yet another doctor, an ear nose and throat specialist. 6 days to wait. I can handle that. I'll just spend the time worrying and concocting all of my own theories - most of them unlikely or downright ridiculous.

But I was in luck...
I think.
Because I didn't have to wait that long for the resluts.
The very next day I got a message from my regular doctor's office that I needed to call them back. I figured it was about my tests, so I started freaking out. Typical. I called them back and, as it turns out, the lump on my thyroid is not a cyst. Yay!

Wait.
So what is it then?
Oh. It's just a "solid mass".
And that means what?
Well, we won't know for sure until we do a biopsy to determine if it is benign or malignant.

That's right. Remember that fine needle aspiration test that I opted out of in the beginning? Well, the doctor was kind enough to schedule me to have that test afterall. And what's with these words: biopsy, benign, malignant?

This is why I don't like going to the doctor!

I know you're wondering what happened. Well, I haven't had that lovely "needle-in-my-neck" test yet. That's on Tuesday. Mike is even going to come with me because I am a little bit (okay, a lot) freaked out about it! But I did see the ENT doctor last week and he commented on the size of my thyroid mass as well. How sweet. He said that whether or not it was cancerous, he would reccommend removing it since it is so large. Nice. Then why, dearest doctor, must I still have that needle stuck into my neck next week? Oh, for additional information. The more we know, the better.

Whatever.

So, to recap.
(1) I went to the doctor about birth control options.
(2) I was sent to two other doctors, the hospital and an independent medical office to have tests done on my thyroid.
(3) I am now scheduled for surgery on November 16 to have my left thyroid lobe removed. Oh, and it might turn out that it is necessary to remove the right lobe as well! Sure, take it all! (What did the nurse practitioner say my thyroid did again?)

Note to the reader: The only way I have found to successfully deal with uncomfortable or, in this case terrifying, situations is to joke about them. Please do not take my lightheartedness as an indication of a lack of seriousness regarding my situation. It is simply my most effective coping mechanism.